Failure?

I have felt like a complete failure today. And no, I am not seeking any sort of compliment or encouragement...I just need to vent/blog/get things off my chest. I read a story today about a mom and it made me ashamed at the sort of mom I am. I wonder what kind of memories my boys will have of me...what sort of things they will say about me when they are my age...that Mama never wanted to play because she was too tired? Mama's favorite thing to do was sleep? I don't eat right and I don't exercise. I know these are 2 of my biggest problems. I just can't seem to find the motivation and the want-to to make it happen. I'll get on kicks where I'm all fired up and then it just sort of fizzles. Each day and each week is different so there's no real "schedule" to our lives. 

We pray with our boys each night and we try to continually point them in the direction that God wants them to go. I read my Bible every day and pray for my friends and family. I try to "be there" for people. Yet why do I feel like such a failure? I know it's partly the hormones talking so maybe I'll just go ahead and blame it all on THEM! I know that I am where God's will wants me to be. I guess I just hoped that this perfect, contented peace came with that will. But then there's always that ole devil that has to come in and make you doubt and make you feel like you're not worth anything. He can sure make me feel like a big fat loser at times and I truly do hate him for it.

But I also know that my Heavenly Father holds me and protects me in His hands...He hides me under His wings. No matter how the devil may try, my Father is waiting on me to just ask Him to help me...to make it all better. I'm glad I have a Father who cares, who knows my hurt, who knows how overwhelmed I get and how I feel like I have failed so miserably in so many ways.

It seems like everywhere I turn, a friend is getting divorced. I don't understand why this is happening to my generation. It's like a consuming sickness that is slowly invading everyone I know. It makes you wonder who you can even trust any more...who is even really telling the truth? Who is living a lie? Is it obvious? Would I see it? I know I am not above it and I know I am no better. I just pray that the good Lord gives me the strength each day to stand above temptations and to choose HIS will over my own. Every time. His Word says "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and HIS righteousness and all these things shall be added." I want to seek Him every single morning before I do anything else. That's the only way to make it.That's the only way to protect my precious marriage and my precious family. I want to always love the Lord with ALL of my heart so that I can love Shannon and my boys the way that they deserve.

God has blessed me beyond measure. I don't deserve this house I live in. I don't deserve the car I drive. I don't deserve the clothes I wear. I don't deserve this wonderful guy who thinks I hung the moon. I don't deserve these 3 sweet boys who call me Mama. I didn't deserve to be raised in a Christian home by parents who loved me and raised me to be a Christian woman. I don't deserve my sweet sister or my wonderful friends and family. But God blessed me any way and for that, I am grateful.